Laws of the Delta Quadrant
by ZenaraTheDragon
Summary: Warning: Shenanigans aboard Voyager may result in injury via half-Klingon Engineer! Inspired by Mockingeagle's The Enterprise Rules.
1. New Orders are in Order

The idea for this fic comes from _The Enterprise Rules_ by Mockingeagle. (Go read it! It's really good!) I'm also using the same format, with permission. (Thanks again!)

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Noy Voyager (I wish) not the fic this is based on (The Enterprise Rules) and, well, nothing.

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*All crewmembers: The following is a list of non-Starfleet, ship-specific rules. These have been implemented in regard to events occurring on this ship or specific problems. They may or may not apply after the specified problem has been adressed.* -Security

1. Wormholes must be properly investigated before we attempt to go through them.

2. Cultures in the Delta Quadrant differ greatly from those in the Alpha Quadrant. Don't assume anything.

2.5 Assuming things may lead to conflict, which may lead to war. We've already got the Kazon and Borg trying to kill us, we don't need other enemies.

3. Yes, we had an agreement with the Borg for a short time. That does not make us their allies. (Remember they called off the agreement and tried to kill us.)

4. 'Star Trekkin' references the USS Enterprise. Therefore, it does not apply to this ship. Therefore, you have NO REASON to play it over the ship's speakers at THREE IN THE MORNING.

5. Do not change the ship's course. We've got a sixty-five year trek ahead of us. Don't make it any longer.

6. The dilithium crystals are not to be removed and used for decoration. That had Engineering frustrated for days, and you're lucky B'Elanna didn't skin you alive.

7. Yes, strange things happen almost weekly. No, we are not 'following the Narrative'. Do not attempt to defy said Narrative when doing so means disobeying orders or endangering the ship.

8. Don't stay on duty two days in a row on seven cups of coffee. That's why we have shifts and attempting to defy the human need for sleep will put you in Sickbay.

9. 'Screw the Prime Directive!' is not an appropriate battle cry. While we are the only Starfleet ship in this quadrant, we are still a Starfleet ship.

10. You all know Starfleet Rules and Regulations. They still apply!

*Captain Janeway, Commander Chakotay, Lt. Tuvok, Lt. Tom Paris, the EMH, Neelix, Lt. B'Elanna Torres, and Ensign Harry Kim may update this list as need dictates.* -Security

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A/N So! Like it? Hate it? got ideas? *hint hint*


	2. You'd Think they'd be Smarter

Once again, thanks to Mockingeagle for letting me use the chat-rule-thing format!

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KJ- Kathryn Janeway

C: Chakotay

BT: B'Elanna Torres  
TP: Tom Paris  
T: Tuvok  
HK: Harry Kim  
N: Neelix  
K: Kes  
EMH: Emergency Medical Hologram  
V: Vorik

* * *

KJ1: Whoever deleted coffee from the replicators, PUT IT BACK.

BT12: If you work in Engineering and you deleted coffee, you're dealing with the next core breach.

TP- Wow. You girls really like your coffee, huh?

BT- If you worked in Engineering you'd need it too.

N- What about my coffee?

BT- That's not coffee, Neelix.

EMH13: Do not deactivate my program while I am in the middle of a medical procedure. It could be dangerous for the patient.

K- Who did that?

EMH- I think it was the person I was performing the procedure on.

T14: Please do not hold rock concerts in the mess hall. We have Rec. Rooms for events of that nature.

TP- There was a rock concert? When? Why wasn't I invited?

BT- You were asleep. It was last night, right after my shift. It was pretty fun.

HK- I wasn't to thrilled with it.

TP- Why not?

HK- Have you ever been on the wrong end of a Klingon mosh pit?

BT- :P

HK15: When we have rock concerts please keep the moshing at a reasonable level.

BT- That was reasonable!

KJ16: The Borg don't care about the magic of friendship.

EMH- Who do I have to un-assimilate?

KJ- No one, I stopped that idiot before he could hurt himself.

KJ17: Q is not allowed on this ship.

Q- Aww.

KJ: Q may not change things on this ship.

Q- Drat!

KJ: Q's sphere of influence STOPS at Voyager's shields.

Q- ARE YOU #%$&ING KIDDING ME?!

KJ- You don't get a say in this.

T18: The next time Q appears on the ship all crewmen are to assist in his capture.

Q- You really think that would stop me?

KJ- Well, we can hope.

C19: The Q/Captain Janeway 'fanfiction' is unappreciated and, frankly, mentally scarring. Please remove it from the computers.

KJ- WHAT.

C- Apparently people actually wrote that stuff.

KJ- Why?!

C- If I knew, I'd get Tuvok to logic them out of it.

T- I have found it hard to reason humans out of ideas they think are good.

HK20: No poking.

BT- Um. Okay.

HK- It's not worth explaining.

T21: The walls do not need murals.

KJ- That actually might be a good idea. We'll be looking at these walls for a long time, and plain grey might get boring after a few years.

KJ22: Any crewmen with artistic talent interested in a shipwide mural project, please contact Neelix.

N- Me?

KJ- You're the moral officer. This seems like a job for you.

BT23: Antimatter generators are NOT for decorative purposes.

KJ- Seriously, who needs to be demoted this time?

BT- I think they get the message. Being half-Klingon has its advantages sometimes.

EMH- I hope you didn't hurt them too badly.

BT- They should be in Sickbay soon.

EMH24: Only my programming prevents me from letting stupidity-incurred wounds scar instead of using the dermal regenerator.

T25: I am not an android.

BT26: Don't call the Kazon rockheads. They don't appreciate it.

KJ- You want this ship destroyed, huh?

BT- I did apologize.

KJ- Yes, at gunpoint.

BT27: Don't call a Viidian scarface. Again, not appreciated.

KJ- Do we need a special non-insult rule for you?

BT- Probably.

BT28: Don't call the Borg blockheads, cyborgs, one-minders, termites, or squares. The insults are wasted anyways.

N - Am I the only one on this ship with a shred of diplomatic intuition?

KJ- B'Elanna's incidents didn't take 'diplomatic intuition' to prevent.

KJ29: Lt. Torres may not insult alien species. If she cannot keep insults out of her interactions with them, she is not to interact with them at all.

BT- Sorry.

KJ- Just try to keep a civil tongue in your head.

C30: Don't switch departments in the middle of your shift. Chances are, you don't have the right training, and you might end up causing problems in the department that isn't yours.

KJ- Why is my crew so dumb?

C- I don't know.

C31: An inter-department exchange program is a bad idea. Think about how impatient B'Elanna is with _trained _engineers and you'll understand.

BT32: No non-Engineers other than commanding officers or people on official buisness may be in Engineering.

C33: Basically, stay in your own department.

KJ34: Will someone please _investigate_ the purring sound from Cargo Bay 1, instead of saying Deck 4 is haunted and avoiding it like the plague?

T35: Avoiding Deck 4 will severely hinder your ability to move about the ship.

HK36: Don't steal my clarinet. I know the ship isn't soundproof, but I'm not _that _bad at music!

N37: Don't steal my cooking utensils!

T38: Do not steal any personal property of others in the crew.

KJ39: Just stop. It doesn't matter what it is, if you're on duty and what you're doing isn't your job just stop.

EMH40: The creature found in Cargo Bay 1 will be brought to Sickbay within the next five minutes, or I will reinstate the bi-monthly instead of quarterly physical examinations!

BT- The ensigns have it!

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A/N: Another chapter! I have about four going simultaneously... so, review if you want another! I"m seriously holding them hostage for reviews! :) but not seriously. Still, please review. Aaand I'm rambling so i'll stop now.


	3. Throwback

A/N: All righty, then! A couple announcements: Next update will be a Christmas special! And, as always, the idea for this comes from The Enterprise Rules by Mockingeage!

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KJ- Kathryn Janeway  
C: Chakotay  
BT: B'Elanna Torres  
TP: Tom Paris  
T: Tuvok  
HK: Harry Kim  
N: Neelix  
K: Kes  
EMH: Emergency Medical Hologram  
V: Vorik

* * *

KJ41: The 'Curse of the Redshirt' isn't real, and it does not apply to commanding officers!

HK- You're right. It applies to yellow-shirts now!

KJ- Why?

HK- Because that's the Security uniform.

T42: May I remind you all that there are no such things as curses, and that one set of uniforms being so afflicted is illogical and unlikely.

HK- Curses don't follow logic.

T43: There are no such things as curses.

BT44: Don't put the ship into reverse 'to see if we have it'.

HK45: I want my clarinet back. Again.

KJ46: Who brought that... tribble on board?

N47: No beetles in the kitchen!

K- Neelix, they're just carried in on the plants. I'll take them back to the hydroponics bay in a few minutes.

N- Why not right now?

K- I'm in the middle of something.

N- Well I need to get back to my kitchen!

K- Get back...?

N- Yes! I'm behind a table on the other side of the mess hall!

K- You're afraid of the beetles?

N- HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ONE UP CLOSE?!

K48: The cross-pollination beetles from Hydroponics will not hurt you.

EMH49: Don't feed the tribbles.

EMH50: If the holodeck malfunctions, restart my program from Sickbay. Do not run frantically around the ship yelling that you 'killed the doctor'.

T51: Do not open the airlocks.

KJ- Who did that, why wasn't I told, and why is my crew dumb enough to do something like that?

BT- I think it was an alien visitor.

KJ- Why did he have access to the airlocks?

BT- Beats me.

KJ52: We are in _space_. There is no backup or reinforcements. Do _not_ do anything that might get us all killed.

HK- Thanks for the reminder, Captain.

KJ- I take it as a bad sign that it was necessary.

BT53: No tribbles in Engineering.

V- I see no harm in the tribbles residing in Engineering.

BT- NO. No tribbles in Engineering. I don't like them AT ALL.

EMH54: No tribbles in Sickbay. While they may be 'therapeutic', B'Elanna is in here almost daily with some kind of injury, and let me assure you _she_ does not find them so calming.

BT- Thank you!

EMH- Your stress levels were getting dangerously high.

N55: I will _not_ cook the tribbles! That would be just immoral and wrong and- I _refuse_ to try it!

K- Calm down, Neelix.

N- :(

TP56:The Captain and I are NOT a couple. We were superevolved salamanders when... _that_ happened. That doesn't count.

KJ- How did the details of that get around so fast?

TP- Small ship. Also, Neelix's daily talk-show-thing didn't help.

N- Sorry guys, but the salamander part, at least, was kinda hard to ignore.

KJ57: Do not take a shuttle to Warp 10 just to become a salamander. Remember there's a rather _unpleasant_ transformation.

EMH58: Please leave the safety settings on in the holodeck.

K59: Yes, Lt. Tuvok helps me with mental discipline. Yes, my ears are pointed. But my Elogium is not pon farr and I am not a Vulcan!

BT60: Why do you want me to speak with a Scottish accent?

TP61: Why do you want me to speak with a Russian accent?

BT- You too?

TP- Yeah, what is this about?

HK62: I don't know how to fence. Stop changing my holoprograms to fencing matches.

T63: I am not Ambassador Spock. While Vulcans are devoid of emotion, we are not devoid of personality. I do have a different personality from Ambassador Spock.

HK64: 'The Dead Puppy song' is a terrible thing. I don't want sheet music to it.

HK65: Same goes for 'Friday'. Who wrote that horror anyways?

N66: Do not bring beetles into my kitchen! Not even if it's your 'pet'!

K- Who has a pet beetle?

N- I forget, I was too busy getting the wretched thing out.

KJ67: All pets must be approved by me.

KJ68: You may not have another member of the crew as a pet.

BT- Aww.

KJ- Who did _you_ want as a pet?

BT- Vorik. Maybe then he'd do as he's told.

V- I comply with all your orders.

BT- You don't get to comment on this.

BT69: No pets in Engineering. It's hectic enough down here, I don't need animals running around underfoot.

KJ70: Dinosaurs are not acceptable pets. How did you get a dinosaur?

BT71: I am not in love with Voyager.

TP- Why would you be in love with the ship?

BT- I don't know.

BT72: If anyone is in love with Voyager it's Lt. Paris.

TP- Hey now, just because I appreciate the ship doesn't mean I love it romantically.

KJ73: If you keep bringing dinosaurs and aliens to be approved as pets I'll have to ban pets altogether.

BT- What about a targ?

KJ- NO.

KJ74: Pets may be cats, dogs, sterilized tribbles, or other small, relatively non-dangerous animals.

KJ75: That does not include declawed velociraptors.

KJ76: Or any dinosaurs of any kind.

KJ77: Or Borg.

KJ78: We will NOT travel back in time. And don't hijack the ship to try it!

BT79: Stop trying to beam the tribbles onto a Klingon ship! It's _dumb_ because there is no Klingon ship and _inhumane_ because of the lack of another ship, meaning that the tribbles will end up IN SPACE.

TP- What the heck is going on?

BT- I don't think anyone knows!

KJ80: We are not the crew of the original Enterprise. Stop with the labels.

BT- Wait, what?

KJ- The accents, the fencing, that stuff. Someone thinks we're on the Enterprise.

BT- So they think I'm...

KJ- Yep.

BT81: I am not Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott, I am Cheif Engineer B'Elanna Torres! Remember that!

TP82: Chief Engineer B'Elanna Torres/ Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott. Know the difference. (It could save your life.)

BT- Oh ha ha, Tom.

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A/N: I am also accepting ideas for the christmas update. leave your ideas in a review please!


	4. (Not Quite) Home for the Holidays

A/N: So, happy Holidays, and happy Not-The-Apocalypse-After-All!

Again, I own nothing! (Except the universe, my Dark Powers, and the voices in my head!)

KJ- Kathryn Janeway  
C: Chakotay  
BT: B'Elanna Torres  
TP: Tom Paris  
T: Tuvok  
HK: Harry Kim  
N: Neelix  
K: Kes  
EMH: Emergency medical Hologram  
V: Vorik

* * *

T83: Do NOT introduce Neelix to the Earth custom of 'Christmas Caroling'.

N- What's that?

KJ- You don't want to know. Or rather, the rest of us don't want you to know.

BT84: No more holiday decorations in Engineering.

EMH85: Or Sickbay.

K- Why not, Doctor? They're nice!

EMH- I can't concentrate with them around!

K- You can concentrate in the middle of a crisis with wounded people all around you, but you can't concentrate with some pretty baubles around?

EMH- No, I can't!

KJ86: No more mistletoe on the bridge.

KJ87: Or anywhere on the ship.

C- Care to elaborate on that incident, Captain?

KJ- No.

TP- What, no mistletoe in our quarters?

KJ- Fine.

KJ88: Mistletoe is permissible in your private quarters. But if I see any in any other place on the ship so help me I will blast it with a phaser rifle!

K89: I've heard of the Earth myth about 'Santa', but why do I look like one of his 'elves'?

EMH90: Since we're on that subject, NO, I will not dress up like Santa for the holidays! Why don't you ask Neelix!

N- What's a Santa?

BT- Harry, explain Santa to Neelix.

HK- Why me?!

BT- You're the lowest-ranking senior crew member.

HK- Dangit.

N91: MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

T92: That is not a rule. Please use this Security feed only for rules.

N93: THAT INCLUDES YOU, MR. VULCAN!

T94: Do not use all caps. lock to write rules.

N- WHAT'S CAPS LOCK?

TP- Here we go.

T- Caps. lock is a keyboard feature locking the keys on capital letters.

N- OH. UH, I THINK CAPS LOCK MIGHT BE STUCK ON MY PADD.

BT- No kidding.

N- HEY, COULD SOMEONE HELP ME GET CAPS LOCK OFF?

KJ- Harry, please help Neelix with his PADD.

HK- Me again?!

HK95: I am not the errand boy of the senior staff. Please don't send me on errands.

BT96: Don't use festively dyed tribbles as decorations.

KJ- I thought we got rid of those?!

BT- Where there's one tribble, there's too damn many tribbles. Apparently we missed one tribble.

KJ97: Any tribbles found on board are to be brought to me, used for various target practices on the holodeck, or beamed directly into space.

KJ98: Do NOT impersonate another member of Senior Staff when writing these rules. Please note that Rule 97 was not, in fact, written by me.

KJ- B'ELANNA!

BT- *cough* innocent! *cough* Yes?

KJ99: Do not encourage cruel behavior towards any creature, EVEN (This means you, B'Elanna!) tribbles.

BT- And you assume it was me!

EMH100: Do not tamper with the replicators to make real alcohol. I don't want to deal with after-Christmas hangovers.

C101: Don't color my tattoo red and green "for the holidays". I like my tattoo, and I don't care if it isn't festive. That isn't the point of it.

KJ102: Don't hide tribbles in my ready room.

HK103: Or in my clarinet case.

TP104: Or in the shuttles.

EMH105: Or in Sickbay.

K106: Or in Hydroponics. ESPECIALLY not in Hydroponics. That's our main food source!

BT107: Or in Enginneering.

T108: Or in the Brig.

C109: Or anywhere on the ship.

T110: Take down the tinsel.

KJ- Tuvok, it's a little bit of tinsel. It's fine.

EMH- Fascinating species, Vulcans. They evolved from a feline ancestor,you know.

KJ111: GET THAT TINSEL DOWN!

TP- Okay. I missed something. Why is our extremely logical, unemotional chief of security chasing tinsel like, well, like a kitten?

BT- You better get a holopic of that!

T112: Any mention of the incident on Deck 2 will earn you a stay in the Brig.

C113: Santa is not my Spirit Guide. Why would you even think that?

KJ114: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO MORE MISTLETOE!

TP- Uh, Captain, we may need your phaser rifle.

KJ- What? Phaser rifle?

TP- Rule 88. Come to Shuttlebay 2.

BT- What's going on?

TP- Mistletoe.

KJ- Sorry, Tom, as much as I hate mistletoe, I think you're on your own.

TP- Oh, come on! Really?!

BT- Tom, WHO DO YOU HAVE TO KISS.

TP- The Delta Flyer.


	5. A Ship Divided

A/N: Wow, had to change the rating! Not because of much, just a couple words, and mostly out of paranoia. As always, I own nothing, and if you haven't already go read the Enterprise Rules!

KJ- Kathryn Janeway  
C: Chakotay  
BT: B'Elanna Torres  
TP: Tom Paris  
T: Tuvok  
HK: Harry Kim  
N: Neelix  
K: Kes  
EMH: Emergency medical Hologram  
V: Vorik

Q: Q (duh)

QJ: Q Junior

* * *

KJ: Just don't.

C-Don't what?

KJ- Whatever they were thinking of doing.

C-That seems oddly inspecific.

KJ-It is.

BT: I thought we had decided this: NO FRICKIN' TRIBBLES IN ENGINEERING!

TP- Oh damn

TP: For your own sake, don't leave tribbles in Engineering!

BT- TOM...

TP- Yes?

EMH- Should I prepare Sickbay?

TP- Probably.

KJ: Please don't kill or maim other members of the crew. Seriously, we just finished repairs and medical treatments, we don't need anymore casualties.

EMH: Sickbay is NOT the place for an indoor swimming pool!

K- How did that happen?

EMH- Ask the ensigns in the Brig!

T: Please do not confine people to the Brig without just cause.

EMH: THAT WAS JUST CAUSE!

T: These rules are for actual rules only.

HK: My saxophone is not an 'infernal cat-killing noise machine'.

TP- Umm.

HK- Really Tom?

TP: I am Tom Paris, not old-Earth singer Tom Waits. Trust me, you don't want to hear me sing.

KJ: Q!

Q- What?

KJ: You are not allowed on the ship, Q!

Q- Kathy, you're cruel!

KJ- I just don't want you appearing in my BED again.

TP- Wait... What?

KJ-...

Q- Oh, come on. That was just to turn your attention to that subject.

KJ- I did not want to contemplate 'that subject'. Get off my ship.

Q: Captain Janeway is mean.

EMH- Stop whining!

KJ: Q is an immature, obnoxious, manipulative ass.

Q- Hey!

KJ: GET OFF. MY SHIP.

K: We don't need bees in Hydroponics, we have those little beetles that scare Neelix.

N- You had to remind them?

C: Yes, a shirt is a necessary part of your uniform.

C: Same for pants.

C- Q!

Q- Okay, that was not me.

KJ- Q Junior!

QJ- Yes, Aunt Kathy?

KJ: Please keep uniforms on their proper persons, in the proper arrangements.

Q- Something that specific is just asking for trouble.

HK: I want my saxophone back. What is it with you people and stealing my stuff?

Q: Junior, please give Harry his saxophone back.

QJ- :P

HK- Aw, c'mon.

Q: BRING THAT PATHETIC HUMAN INSTRUMENT BACK OR SO HELP ME I WILL TURN YOU INTO AN AMOEBA!

QJ- It's back in its case! It's back in its case!

KJ-... I wish I could threaten that.

K: Don't paint Sickbay neon colors. Apparently it's possible for a hologram to get a migrane.

EMH- Thanks...

N: Don't paint my kitchen neon colors either!

KJ: That wasn't what we meant by a mural.

C: If you want a swimming pool, run a holodeck program. Don't flood a Cargo Bay.

KJ: Don't measure seasons on the ship and program the environmental controls to imitate them. And even if you did that, it wouldn't justify having a swimming pool anywhere but the holodeck during 'summer'.

HK: Don't replace my saxophone with bagpipes.

HK: Just stop messing with my stuff, okay?!

EMH: Don't leave poisonous spiders in Sickbay!

TP- Well, having poisonous spiders there seems better than having poisonous spiders in wherever is farthest from Sickbay.

EMH: Don't leave poisonous spiders anywhere.

K: Why did someone leave a wig outside my quarters?

BT: Why did someone leave an anger management book outside mine?!

TP- No comment.

KJ: A shipwide pillow fight is not a reason to order an all stop.

C- Actually, if no one was a t the helm, it was probably good that we weren't just plunging headlong into the unknown.

KJ- Don't defend them!

KJ: THE PILLOW FIGHT STOHCTRDHKJJKN

TP- What?

BT- I'm pretty sure her PADD was hit by a pillow.

KJ: DAMMIT, ALL OF YOU STOP WITH THE PILLOWS!

BT: The Science crew is going down!

V: They instigated an agressive encounter. We retaliated.

T- That was logical.

V- Thank you.

C- Captain, you may want to just choose a side and ride it out.

KJ- All right.

KJ: Science AND Engineering are going down! Q TEAM FTW!

Q- Oh, now you want me around.

KJ- It's total chaos. I didn't think you'd pass up the opportunity to send floating pillows around te ship, smacking people in the head, with my approval.

Q: TEAM Q FOR THE WIN!

QJ- I want in!

BT- Oh shi

TP- Yeah, holding a PADD and fighting someone usually don't work well together.

Q: SURRENDER OR BE TURNED INTO AMOEBAS!

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A/N: Yeah! Pillow fights! I appreciate ideas for topics, please review and feel free to leave an idea!


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